Being alone . . . March 20 2013
Being alone versus being lonely, a big thought with a lot behind it. For many years my drinking and drugging gave me many great social outlets, it helped me be outgoing, fun, boisterous and also never feeling alone, except the next morning, which was usually filled with remorse and shame, but I did not feel alone. I often waver in between feeling alone and being alone, today I really enjoy being alone, I like the experience that I receive when I am alone, I like being able to be self reflective, I also like the clarity that comes to me when I am alone and thinking in a non judgmental way. But sometimes I experience loneliness and I think its just me being alone, but really what it is, is me shutting the door on others, not wanting to have any human engagement because then I have to witness me, and there are times I just don’t want to witness me. I find that I can still dislike me, I can forget all about the work I have done on me, sitting in the place of self pity, sitting in the place of “pour me”…pour me another drink or give me another substance so that I don’t have to feel what is really going on, other substances can be food, sex, over working, the list goes on and on, anything that get me from really being in touch with what is going on with me. I realize that I feel the most connected or believe I am connected to someone only if they are doing what I want them to do, then I feel a connection, but when someone is not doing what I think should be done, a whole other set of information comes in and for the most part it is not correct information, its my mind telling me something that usually sabotages the truth. Today, this morning I ask for guidance, to be able to be present with the truth, that as I wake the new opportunities of a glorious new day are upon me, light is beginning to shine, the beach is calling me, the dog wants out, incense is burning, my morning chants are playing, I am doing the work this morning to find that power greater than myself and step into the role of human being, for one more day, Stretch, breathe, and sit in the place of divine gratitude.