the time is now April 20 2013
As I sit in my window this early Saturday morning I find myself in a place of deep emotions and discomfort. I am witnessing the uneasiness that I am experiencing as I feel being alone, alone in my own skin, alone in my own thoughts, alone with my breath. I realize as I sit how something is missing in my life, what is missing is the relationship to myself on a level that brings me complete comfort and ease. I realize that even though I continue to do the work, I am not there yet, I still want to bring in outside sources to fill the empty hole that exists for me, I want to feel another human being close so that I don't know the emptiness. I want to have the right body image so that someone, everyone finds be desirable, so that I am attractive to someone, I am challenged by the negative information that is coming in, telling me I am not worthy, I am not good enough, I am not young enough, I will be alone in the empty hole for the rest of my time. I become challenged when I think about aging, I become challenged when I think about being on this planet alone and old. I ask myself in all of this "what is the best thing about me being me?" its an interesting question, one that gets the motor going for sure, because when I begin this process, I immediately have to start going to the place of gratitude, I have to start acknowledging all that I have, all that I have been through and all that continues to flow with in me, with or without my intention. I know that I have had many teachers throughout my life, many life experinces that have served me well, to bring me in and out of consciousness, to guide me along the way, even when I choose not to pay attention. I know that for the insane situations that I have found myself in, several of them definitely life threatening, I am still here. I have a purpose, sometimes it is more clear than others, but I do have a purpose, god only knows what it is at times, but as long as he knows, I am ok. I don't like sitting in the place of being challenged by my own thoughts, I have no where to run, I have removed all the substances from my life that used to do that for me, my choice today is just to sit and allow the experience to arise around me. What do I do in this moment, in the now, I have choices today and so be it, I begin to explore the my breath, I begin to explore a 3 minute mediation, I take some action, I begin to remove the obstacles that bind me, I sit, everything begins to shift, I come into rock pose, I stretch my arms above my head, elbows straight and hugging my head, I press my palms together, then interlace my fingers together index fingers pointing up, inhale sat tensing and pulling inward and upward the rectum, ex organs and navel, exhale nam, relaxing completely, I continue to chant sat nam in this way for 3 minutes, inhale and hold the breath while squeezing and tightening every muscle in your body, exhale, relax and witness everything shifting, I bow to Mahankirn Kaur for sharing these teachings in the "three minute start" manual for meditation. Now, everything has shifted and I can be in the now and not be bombarded by my negative mind.